I'm waiting for the train to New York at 30th Street Station. I've found a dry place to sit and the wind comes hard at my back.
The last time I stood at this platform I was rushing to get back to you after a photoshoot, anxious. Three days later, the meaning of "us" suddenly changed, and three days after that, it changed for good. The second change brought about, I guess, by those same photos I'd taken here in Philadelphia, just hours before I found myself here at track 3, hurrying back to you.
I watch trains come and go, heading to various outposts of suburban Philadelphia. My train will come eventually, but not now.
The previous time I waited at this place it was to say goodbye to you, after your first and only visit here, and my first visit to you from San Francisco, where I'd been living. We had spent two magical weeks together, and it was so hard to say goodbye. Here, where I stand now. Less than an hour earlier, you had told me you loved me for the first time, hugging in the living room of the house where I now live.
I'm waiting for the train to New York but it's not to see you. A Chinese man is eating chicken wings next to me, tossing the remains to other birds, and I'm trying not to cry. Trying.
I don't like what I've become.
It will get better. I know. I just have to wait.
I've seen you online for years now and have always found you very attractive, Charlie. Didn't realize you had a blog until now. Just read the first page of current postings and have to that I was blown away. Your style is very melodic, I found myself on that same platform with you. I'm going to finish your blog because I want to know why you're so blue.
ReplyDeleteCharlie,
ReplyDeleteOut of the blue...
You once said that you have a tendency to be attracted to men who are (I think you said) "emotionally unavailable".
I may be too much of an optimist, but I think most of us guys can be there emotionally even if we may not necessarily do/share it in the first party.
Sometimes a person's feelings and personal caring side will come to you, maybe not directly. If they truly care, they'll WILL find a way. I truly believe (with a little patience) and time that person(s) will come forth and share it openly.
I believe it's a self-preservation thing, or some interpret it as being "mysterious". Many of them have been painfully hurt many times too, and repeatedly so, even today. There is something to be said about a "rough exterior" whether that be by their physical prowess or demeanor. Many times it is is a shield for a fragmented and burdened soul.
I don't have the best track record, but so far I've seen a couple great souls in two people within the last year and a half.
Too bad I may never have the chance to look into your eyes and discover that too.
If you get a chance look up Shirley Horn's CD, "Here's To Life"
Best of luck to you in this.
D