Day Two.

When we last talked, it was snowing, and the realization comes to me like that, that first snow, swirling around me and settling, then swirling some more and settling again. I will not be seeing you again soon, or even talking to you, and when I do, it will be different. The time we had together, fraught as it was with difficulty, is gone, like the snow that vanishes as quickly as it came.

This feels like punishment. I know it isn't meant to be, I know that, but I also know what I feel. On some level I feel like I'm being punished for being the person that I actually am and not the person you wanted me to be. I've been rejected for this same reason many times before, and it's almost a compliment to see that I always lose out based on one aspect of who I am, not for any of the other things I think might be wrong with me, but as far as compliments go, well, it's not the best one I've ever gotten. I know you're doing this because you need to, or think you need to. That's what I know, not what I feel.

It's probably harder for you, I think, to have to go through this as the party who initiated the separation. I imagine you are tempted to call me up and just go back to the way things were, but you stop yourself because you think this is the best way. The reality is, I have no idea what's going through your head. There's a lot about you that I never saw, or never understood. My ego wants you to be suffering, missing me, but every other part of me supports you in this decision, every other part of me just hopes you're happy.

I address this to you but perversely, hope that you'll never read it.

I'm at that most difficult moment, at the beginning of a separation, when it seems impossible. How will I make it through another day without any contact from you? But I will. Of course I will. At this moment, however, as I sit and look out the window, I wish it was snowing again, wish the snow would come and cover everything, erasing the world. I would go out into it and let it fall over me again, inverting me, erasing me too. But there is no snow, and there is no you, there is only me. The rest will pass, but I remain.