San Francisco, Day 3.

Last night, I drank too much. Not at all surprising. I don't drink much but when I do, it tends to be more than I probably should.

It was mostly fun, hugs from people I'd not seen in months and repeating versions of the same script: New York is good, technically I live in Philadelphia but I'm rarely there, and no, I'm not planning on moving back here.

I argued with a person I should never have been friends with in the first place, said things I shouldn't have, and regretted it. It colored the rest of my night, a bit darker. I drank more, to forget that exchange, and it almost worked.

Today I woke up early and got myself out, hungover but handling it well, and had a really pleasant brunch with my friend Joe. We hung out for a few hours, walked around, and after I said goodbye to him I found myself perched outside the gym, like I used to, waiting, but not sure what I was waiting for. Emotions began percolating inside me and I knew it was just the hangover, but... some had started to take hold.

I came back and talked to Kurt. We sat on his fire escape, me smoking cigarettes, and talked, about nothing and everything, like we used to. He went inside to get his day started and I stayed a moment, listening to a song in a playlist that Richard had just sent me, and the music triggered more emotions. I sat there on that fire escape, watching the reflection of the building across the street appearing in the cars that drove past, appearing and disappearing, and I finally let myself feel: what I'd lost by leaving this place, what I'd lost since, how I'd changed since I'd arrived here almost eight years ago. I covered my face as I cried, even though I knew no one could see me there, and I let myself cry for a moment, watching reflections.

I feel better for the release. I know it's just that I drank too much last night. I come inside and see Kurt sitting at his computer, and I smile. The cycle of my arrival and departure from this place may have served only one purpose, but it's an important one: All I've ever wanted is to be loved, and I am. I see that now.