Sunday, August 24, 2008

An Untitled Poem

Flakes of light scatter across me
like ashes, fallen from heaven:

forsaken, burned for your memory,

for you,
the creator, yes, my lightsmith, finally

the summation of nothing and

everything, finally

the remainder of all divisions,

finally


burned as in effigy, brilliant,
then multiplied: against zero,

and now


the light has its trajectory: down,
across me, and the face you built.

They move too fast, and I hold tight,
frightened that you won't stop

and frightened

that you already have.


(8.14.08)


Most poetry comes to me when I'm trying to fall asleep. I hadn't written a poem in many months, and I was fine with that since I'd been working so hard at my fiction instead. But this came to me about ten days ago, again while I was in bed, and I reached out of bed and typed most of it into my iPhone. I'm grooving on technology.

This Is Not Livejournal

I haven't posted much lately, have I? Goodness, I'm already making excuses for myself, and my excuse this time is that I don't want this to turn messy like my livejournal did. I started my livejournal in 2002, probably around the same time of year as I started this, while I was living in NYC. I was not very happy at the time, and shortly after, I moved to San Francisco, which was extremely difficult for me. As a result, my livejournal turned into a place where I dumped consistently moody, distantly poetic ruminations. It couldn't have been fun to read and eventually I stopped when I thought that I was only making my situation worse by putting that much negative energy out there.

So I have plenty I could say here. But I really don't want to delve into every little thing that bums me out, even though my writing tends to lean in that direction. So, yes, my boyfriend lives hundreds of miles away and I can't afford to go visit him, and I've moved beyond stress into panic about my lack of an income, and I struggle every day not to feel like a total failure. Yes, it's a struggle, but somehow, I think it's a struggle that I'm still succeeding at.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

This Is Cafe Floré

It's one of those days in San Francisco: the morning was a bit cool and foggy, but as the sun began to burst through the fog, I sought refuge from the wind in the enclosed outdoor area of Cafè Floré, where I feel the sun changing the chemical makeup of my skin. Most interesting here, and most telling, are the people sitting around me.

To my left, a pair of nondescript, middle-aged, but somewhat handsome German businessmen, both wearing pinstriped dress pants.

To my direct right, there is a person whose gender I can't determine, with fuchsia and orange hair, who is apparently Parisian, listening to a flamboyant American guy who is involved in film somehow and has been speaking at length about the wonders of Christina Applegate, and later, Elizabeth Montgomery.

Across from me there's a set of tourists. I know they're tourists because they're speaking a language other than English and taking photos of one another with a small pink camera that has a matching carrying case. I'm not sure what language they are speaking. I think it's German again, but it's hard to hear them over the English being spoken to my right. It's two men and a woman and I'd be lying if I didn't admit I'm curious what their relationship to one another is. One guy is incredibly handsome and looks very familiar to me (but probably isn't), the other guy is not as good-looking but dresses to maximally show off a fantastic body. The woman is pretty but seems out of place, like she thought she was going to be attending a cocktail party. One of the guys shows affection both to the woman and to the other guy.

Next to them is a couple who eat and don't speak and look they're someone's parents. Are they from here? Hard to say, but there's an untouched pack of Marlboro lights on the table.

And the fun part is, it's like this all the time here.

Saturday, August 9, 2008

Adventures in Technology

Marcio arrived this morning, a bit later than we'd hoped because it turns out that Greyhound is evil. Or worse than evil: inefficient. I went downtown to meet him and while we were down there, I suggested we check into getting him that much-coveted iPhone. So we stopped into an AT&T store, and they informed us that there were none in stock, so then we hit the Apple Store, where we were cheerfully informed that an iPhone could be ours in mere ... well, hard to say how long the wait in line would be. So we got into the queue like good little soldiers. A tour bus drove by and the driver, who I promise you is not as funny as he thinks he is, said "Those people are already waiting in line for the 4G which comes out next year." I think he was inspired for his joke by the fact that Marcio had a pillow with him. "It's crazy that we're waiting in line for a phone," the suburban dad in front of us commented. Crazier than waiting for Rolling Stone tickets? I wondered.

We waited about 45 minutes in that line and then we were cheerfully whisked into a super secret special area in the front of the store that was cordoned off for all non-apple store employees and all people who were not ready to convert to the cult of 3G. Our baptism would be witnessed by all. Except it wasn't, because the transaction didn't work quite as hoped: as always, I have to make things unnecessarily complicated, a swirling mass of family plans and upgrade eligibility. But I should point out that our failure was handled as cheerfully as everything is always handled in the Apple Store. I want some of their kool-aid. So we had to go back to the AT&T store next to get our sim cards swapped. I've had bad experiences there, but not today. Oh no, not today. Today I met Andrew who was the most pleasant, efficient and knowledgeable customer service agent I could possibly have hoped for. If Andrew doesn't already have a fan club, I might start one.

And then it was done. Marcio has his iPhone and he can't keep his hands off it. It reminds me when I got mine, which was actually only a few days before Marcio and I met. How romantic, or something like that.

Friday, August 8, 2008

Feeling Antisocial

I'm back in San Francisco, been back for two days. It's typically gloomy for August, and that's what I expected, and not so bad after two weeks of 80s and 90s in NY and PA. But I have this strange sense that something has changed in my absence. Yesterday I came to Peet's coffee to write, at what should have been an off hour, and it was so crowded I could barely find a seat. This morning I went to Sparky's for breakfast and it was so noisy there that I found myself shoveling food into my face to escape the noise. More so than usual, that is. Now I'm back at Peet's again and it's crowded again. It makes me want to just go home.

Maybe it's me. Actually, probably it's me. Maybe I'm discombobulated after two weeks away and a seriously disrupted sleep schedule. Maybe I'm upset because last night I had dinner with a friend who is moving away (again). Maybe I'm secretly distressed at getting lured into caring about the contestants on Shear Genius, despite promising myself that I wouldn't. Yes, that's got to be it.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Why is it so unpleasant to get stuck in the airport?

1. You cannot lose sight of your carryon luggage for even a second. I can't tell you how much I want to put my backpack down. I really, really want to put my backpack down. What did I pack in here, the Statue of Liberty?

2. There's often nowhere to sit, and never anywhere comfortable.

3. Everything is so expensive. Don't you think a kiosk selling bottled water for $1 would sell more than twice the kiosk that charges $2? Hah.. is it even possible to find water for as cheap as $2 in an airport?

4. Everything is sterile in appearance and probably seething with germs. Not that I care, of course.

5. You can't trust anyone. Trust is un-american!

6. Those competing PA announcements could drive anyone mad.

7. Anticipation of the inhumane torture that awaits in the air.

8. I'm sure there's plenty that I forgot.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Welcome to Nowhere

I am in JFK airport, waiting for a delayed flight to take me home. It's not so bad: the flight was pushed from 9:10 to 10:30 to 10:45, but an hour and a half is nothing. It's my own damn fault for getting here 90 minutes early. At 10 pm on a Wednesday, the airport is probably as empty as its going to get, which lends a certain aspect of the surreal to the experience. Yeah, I always love me some surreal.